What I am most thankful for this year

Last year, Michael was all of 10 days old on Thanksgiving.  I was tired, uncomfortable and struggling to adjust to life as a new mom.  I was so happy to have my son, but there was something missing.

Last year, the hubs was in Iraq.  He wasn't there when our son was born and he wasn't home for the holidays either.  No matter how much joy there was in my heart there was always something missing.  Someone, really.  And this year he is going to be home.  It may only be for a few hours on Thanksgiving but we should get to see him and have Thanksgiving dinner together.  

The next few weeks are going to be hectic and stressful as he (hopefully) finishes OCS, checks in to TBS and we get ready to host Thanksgiving and Hanukkah for the first time.  But at least this year, we'll all get to be together.  

Toddlerhood

It's official everyone.  At 9:52am on Wednesday I became a toddler mom and as with everything with Michael, its been an adventure.  

People kept asking me if I cried, and while I was a little emotional I didn't really cry.  Yes, its sad some days to see how much my baby has grown, but it would be even sadder if he didn't get to grow up and turn one.  So instead of being sad that I don't have a baby anymore, I took him to a local zoo and we had a great time checking out the animals, going on a pony ride and going on a "safari".  Michael loved all the animals...well, except maybe the camels.

But minus the camel incident, it was a great day :-)

Wordless Wednesday

You reach into the weakest moments and remind me that I'm strong 

You gotta know 

I'd be a fool not to see or even worse to forget 

That you're more than I deserve 

And everyone that sees you 

Always wants to know you 

And everyone that knows you 

Always has a smile 

You're a standing ovation 

After years of waiting 

For a chance to finally shine 

Everyone calls you amazing 

Yeahhhh 

I just call you mine 

~ I just call you mine by Martina McBride ~

A Mother's Love

A year ago, I was still pregnant.  November 16th was a Sunday and my Mom and I were spending the day relaxing, going to church and running some last minute errands.  We were doing some final loads of tiny pale blue laundry and I was insisting on a last minute power clean of my house. I don't remember much about that day, but I do remember that I was starting to get scared.

I was scared of what labor was going to be like.  I was scared of not being able to love my baby enough.  I was scared to become a parent.  I was so scared, that I didn't even realize or appreciate what an amazing role model I had in my own Mom.

I was worried that my Mom wouldn't be happy that I was pregnant.  After all, it's not exactly like the circumstances were ideal given Jon's pending deployment.  She was worried, but through it all she said to me over an over again, "If anyone is going to do this, and do it well, it's going to be you."  That faith she had in me, and the quiet strength she provided were what made it possible for me to get through my pregnancy, delivery and first few months on my own with Michael.

That's not to say I didn't have my meltdowns because Lord knows I did.  But even then, in the midst of my tears or anger or absolute terror she was always there.  Telling me that I would get through this, that there was no other choice but to keep moving forward and reminding me that I always had more to give.  She taught me that even when you think you are spent, that you have nothing left to give, you will always find more to give when your child needs you.

She was with me at the hospital and looking back I realize how incredibly difficult that must have been for her.  I can't imagine seeing my child in the pain that she saw me in, seeing my child as vulnerable as I was and having to watch my child and my child's child struggle with complications.  But she stayed by my side that whole night.  As I dozed in and out of consciousness, she was there watching and making sure that both Michael and I were OK.

After all that, when it was time for him to come, she left.  I've heard of so many parents wanting and even demanding to be there but my Mom didn't.  One of the nurses asked her if she wanted to stay and she said "No.  This is her moment, not mine."  My Mom knew that I had to make the transition from child to parent on my own.  That she couldn't hold my hand and coax me through it.  She knew that she had done her part and now it was up to me.

In those early days and weeks with Michael, she was always there.  Helping with middle of the night feedings and diaper changes, making bottles, doing laundry, cooking dinner, everything.  But never once was she controlling, she followed my lead and when necessary, pushed me along as I stumbled down the path of motherhood.  I didn't even realize it until one day I discovered that I was doing it all on my own.  My Mom has an amazing ability to prop me up just enough so that I don't fall but still makes sure that I am able to walk on my own in the end.

So in this month of thanks and giving, I am thankful for my Mom.  And hope that I can give to my children all that she has given me.

November?!?!

Where the hell did October go?  The summer?  The spring?  Shoot, where the hell did the past year of my life go?

A year ago I was hitting the point in my pregnancy where maternity clothes weren't fitting and people were nervous riding in elevators with me.  And now, there is a little boy soundly sleeping in his crib.  I can't believe that it's been a year already.

I don't know that I am ready to have a one year old.  Let's all cross our fingers that the next 17 days go by reeeaaaaallllll slow.

Halloween 2009

This is Michael's first Halloween. The last of his first holidays since he'll be one much too soon and so of course I had a "vision" of what it would be like.

Vision A -
My husband and I trick or treating with Michael and his cousins in Philadelphia. Family and friends would all oo and ah at his adorableness.
Then DH got accepted into OCS so he wouldn't be able to go to Philly with us and I needed to go to the Netherlands for a business trip. Which leads me too...

Vision B -
I would take Michael trick or treating with his cousins in Philadelphia. People would oo and ah, I'd put Michael to bed and then get on a plane to the Netherlands. He'd spend the week in Philadelphia with my Mom while I was on travel.
Then Michael got RSV, and a double ear infection and nearly went to hospital which led me to decide to cancel my trip and our visit to Philadelphia. So....

Vision C -
Michael and I stay home. We wear our Halloween finery, dress up the dogs and hand out candy to dozens of trick or treaters.
Except there were no trick or treaters and Michael's temperature went up and he went to bed early.

So Michael's first Halloween was basically him walking around the apartment in his costume for an hour. I'm hoping that we'll be able to re-celebrate Halloween next weekend with his Dad. And that I don't eat all 80 pieces of candy I bought before next weekend.

And for your viewing pleasure...

Nemo and his Dasani

Frank, the angry sea turtle

Bailey, as a squirrel

And some big hugs at the end of the night (blurry, but just had to share)...

The silver lining

They say that there is a silver lining to every cloud and I have to say that in this case that just may be true.

Michael has RSV and being that he is my son, he believes in the whole go big or go home ideal. The only thing keeping him out of the hospital right now is that his pediatrician, the nurse practitioner and myself are worried about exposing a child with compromised lungs and immune system to all the fluey kids already in the hospital. His pulse ox was 92 earlier today but after two nebulizer treatments we got it back up to 96/97 which was enough for him to come home with me. We are also joined by a nebulizer machine, bronchiodialator, inhaled steroids and oral steroids. He is getting breathing treatments every four hours which means that Mommy is basically living her life in three hour intervals in between setting up the treatments, administering the treatments and then cleaning up all of the equipment.

And have I mentioned that my contract at work is in the midst of a huge technical meeting this week and I have to talk to my boss about whether or not I will be traveling to Europe next week as planned? Yeah, my boss is going LOVE me after our conversation tomorrow.

But in the midst of all this, there is a silver lining. In the hustle of every day, trying to keep the house in order, care for two dogs, be a good employee and a good single mom/military spouse I have to take 40 minutes out of every four hours to hold my son. Sure, most of the time he's wrestling and crying but when I give him his treatments at night, its forty minutes to hold my baby (who really is more of a boy than a baby at this point). I smell his freshly washed hair and feel his warm (okay, feverish) little body against mine. I would do anything to have him healthy, but I try to close my eyes and savor these moments because I know all too soon he won't need me like this anymore.

But for tonight, he still does.