Thankful on Thursday (a day late)

When talking to my husband earlier today he said, "You can't even begin to imagine how badly you want something until it almost gets taken away."

Today, we are thankful this little person who is due to arrive into our lives sometime in November.



Barely nine weeks into my pregnancy, this little one is already giving us a run for our money. At a routine OB appointment the mid-wife found that I had a heart murmur, a fairly common and minor pregnancy complaint but one that warranted a visit to the cardiologist. Yesterday I sat in the office and went through my medical history with the cardio, even commenting that I have been "obnoxiously healthy" my entire life. He started listening to my heart. And listening, and listening. After several minutes he started talking about what he heard - a loud flow murmur but another more concerning sound from my pulmonary valve. A sound that when combined with my typical pregnancy symptoms of exhaustion and breathlessness could be pointing to a condition known as pulmonary hypertension. My cardio explained that there are many levels of PH, that it could be relatively minor but it needed to be checked out immediately given that it is associated with a higher rate of poor maternal outcomes and that depending on what he saw, he may recommend termination of my pregnancy.

I swear, I stopped breathing. I don't think I started again until about 3pm this afternoon.

Yesterday was a nightmare, holding it together long enough to explain everything to my husband before breaking down into chest heaving sobs when telling my Mom. Googling, closing the window promising never to do that again, only to do it again hoping that I would find something, anything to provide me with some hope if I just found the right mix of search terms. Sitting in Church and thinking "You've got to be kidding me. This can't be happening." before realizing that I had to get up, press forward and take care of my son. Last night was agonizing as I reached out to friends and family for prayers and tried to keep myself from falling apart.

This morning I drug myself through the motions of getting Michael to daycare. Then made the drive to the hospital for an echocardiogram. The tech spent 45 minutes looking, taking pictures and finally looked at me and said "I don't see anything horrible on here. I think you are going to be ok." And I sobbed. Relieved that I was almost in the clear but still the lingering fear that the doctors would find something she didn't. A few hours later the doctor called and said to me "Breathe. You are still going to have a baby in November." And I did. I have two major heart murmurs, and a lot of stress on the heart muscle but nothing obviously wrong at this point. He has put a laundry list of restrictions on my activities and I'll be closely monitored going forward to make sure that my condition stays stable.

So a day late, I am thankful for...

1. My son, who reminds me that I always have to put one foot in front of the other and who loves me even when I am having a less than stellar mom day.

2. The Captain, who I want even more than I had dreamed.

3. My faith because during moments like last night, I just need something to believe in.

4. My family and my husband who never let me forget that I am strong and that I can get through anything.

5. My interpeeps for coming through with thoughts and prayers, email messages, wall posts and text messages that reminded me that thanks to the wonder of technology I am never alone.